My sweet sweet hubby got me a spot in Sharra Frank's mosaic sculpting/base building class as an early birthday gift. First off, I love my man in so many ways but this gift was purely over the top! I had a blast! Three days away from work, making something big and out of the scope of the materials that I normally work with...I learned so much and met some truly terrific people. My first day was a bit of a struggle - I had a hard time with the just about everything, afraid of cutting into the materials and making mistakes...but Sharra was so patient and is truly a gifted person, a gifted teacher. Second day was a lot easier and the third day went way too darn fast...I didn't finish my uber-large mirror frame but I left knowing that I had the knowledge and new skills to 'make it happen', with the facts laid out plainly that this project might take a year to complete because of the scope and size that I chose to take. I felt sad carrying my project down to my car, packing up and heading home. My brain kept turning over and over ways to incorporate what I've learned, large scale, into tiny small scale that I could use in my jewelry projects...the possibilities seemed as endless as the universe and my grey cells were kicked into overdrive. Sharra was right when she said we'd probably have a hard time sleeping with all the thoughts and ideas that would be working in our brains. She wasn't kidding but it's a great thing! It's a thing that hasn't happened to me in a long time. I'm still letting the swirl settle before I grab the notebook and settle in for a serious sketch session...right now it's just snips of this and quick scribbles of that, write this down because I know I'll forget it if I don't...a few more days and I'll have my pencil sharpener and eraser ready for action.
The rest of the weekend also went great - but it went by too quickly. I worked on some of the sculptural elements for my mirror frame - large armatures of flowers, finishing the armatures of dragonflies and getting them ready for the next phase of things. We (being my husband and myself) also worked really hard outside on our landscaping project. We moved I don't know how many thousands of pounds of landscaping rock, shovelful by shovelful and by hand, screening out all the dirt...and then added more dirt and covered the whole area with cedar mulch. It looks so much better and our big giant sugar maple must be so much happier to have that layer of plastic removed from over it's roots! But I loved working with my husband just as much as I loved taking the class. We work pretty good together as a team, I think. Our neighbor, who dabbles in landscape design, came over and is drawing up a 'roadmap' for us to plant by to finish it up. The best thing, after walking through our garden and looking at my higgledy piggledy plantings of hosta and other plants I just 'stuffed' anyplace when we built the raised bed a few years ago, are good sized and we can split them multiple times and will be using them to plant out the front...we won't have to buy too much at the garden center! Yay for Kate!! Anyway, the landscaping job will probably be finished way before my project is, but I'm totally ok with this fact because everything gets completed in it's own due time.
But, back on track, I feel like my trouble (if you want to call it that) started first thing Monday morning. I woke up to the alarm clock, my feet swung down to meet the floor, and my very first thought of the day was that I was headed back to work, doing the same thing I do day in and day out - predictable days, predictable ways, predictable people, predictable everything. Dulls.Ville. Don't get me wrong - I like my job just fine...it's not creative but it affords me some extra time to finish some small projects that I can bring with me...that's great! And I like the people I work with - my coworkers are really all nice, my boss is great and I couldn't want for a better one. BUT, all this positive goodness didn't stop the thoughts of wanting to be more creative and live as an artist from coming in waves, each one bigger and stronger than the last. I started thinking "If all these other artists - taking up alllll that great warehouse space and filling alllll those Etsy shops can make money on their crafts, have loyal customers and people from around the world that follow and support them, then what's the matter with ME that I'm not working on that too?". And finally, there we sat...the sad reality of my unfulfilled self promises that one day I WOULD be doing that, made long ago and my neglected little creative self asking "When did this happen?" and "How did this happen?", and worse still "WHY did this happen"...even so, letting myself partake in the pity party I was getting ready to throw didn't sound like much fun so I instead just let the thoughts roll...and I could feel the rusty dusty wheels starting to turn again...some hope flowing back into those boring rut marks...questions like "Hmmm...How could I get back to the point where I could spend a part of every day doing what I really love to do? What does happy exactly mean to me? What is it exactly, that I want? How do I get more of this so called Happy back into my life? Is it too late? Can I really do it? Is it possible? And, like a wallup upside my widdle puddin' head, I realized that I really really miss teaching - I miss the sharing with people that are truly interested in what it is that they are there, in my class, to learn. Which, of course, led to more questions of "are there still people who want to pay good valuable money to learn what I have to share? Could I make enough to pay the rent on a small studio? If not, where could I teach my classes again? Can I fill a class? Do I want to go back to teaching glass beads or shift to something different - like my enamels? Is it worth it to do it again?" And worse...what if none of this works, I spend a lot of money on student kits, space, etc. only to fall short and fail or something else really rotten happens? What happens then? Questions questions...lots of questions with no obvious easy answers! Oh, Pooh Bears!!!!
So, I made a few phone calls, hoping to engage in some creative idea bouncing with my family and ended up getting (instead) what felt (to me, at least) like a few solid, determined solid kicks to the seat of my pants. Very discouraging, very disheartening - it didn't make me mad but it did stir up a lot of old junky stuff that had long ago settled to the bottom of the proverbial life bucket - which did NOT feel good. Like when I wanted to go to art college but was instead encouraged to go to 'Secretary School' because THAT is what my family would actually pay for and anything else was not an option. Retrospectively, I know that they were just looking out for me...giving me a vocation with which to make a living - but secretary school? Ugh! But at the time it really felt like I was being told to just forget about making art, you'll never EVER make any money doing THAT because I wasn't any good...period. Sooooo, let's just say that secretary school didn't last but one class...I did go...to one class. After that, I went to the registrar and dropped all the classes I had been signed up for without my input or knowledge (I was just pretty much told that classes start on this day and you will go)...for me, it was a truly emotion charged and horrible experience that I took nothing but a lot of self doubt away from...the only positive thing I can think of is that I knew then and there that secretary school was not for me...but then here I sit as a secretary/receptionist...life can be cruel when she thinks she's being funny. LOL! But it's all good...
I got an email from a friend who I had emailed - she's full time in the arts, has a great studio and is a fabulous person and I like and respect her a lot. Anyway, she said that she read somewhere when SHE started out many many years ago, that when you are baking your plan to change course to leading a more creative productive life that you really should refrain from talking about your plans to ANYONE because more than likely some of the advice and well intended commentary you'll get will turn out to be more toxic to your hope and dreams than it is helpful...point well taken. BUT...I did talk to my husband and without him I really think that the aftermath of my conversations with my family would have effected me a lot worse than they did. I just wanted to weep...horrible feeling, weeping is...so hopeless.
BUT, aside from feeling totally funked and out of sorts, the one thing that didn't change was that the wheels were in motion again and to me, it feels right and it feels good and it feels positive. Hubby and I have been having some good long conversations and we both agree that it's time to get out of our unhappy ruts and make some plans - if this is what I want - barring quitting my day job until things really get rolling and the money is decent - then we should definitely look into it - not just for me, but for him too. I told him that I thought HE should read some of the books that I had ordered even though they were written for Right Brained creative sorts...I would help him with that...he's an engineer...he's a Lefty...but every Righty needs a Lefty, and every Lefty needs a Righty, right? (that's my story and I'm sticking to it...)
But, I realized full on how my poor quivering jello mass of a brain has been traveling along a really deep rut of routine and predictability for a long time. Now that it's out gotten a chance to jump the track, I really can't justify stuffing it back into that groove again. I don't WANT to go back to the same old same old again...been there, done that...it's not a creative place to be. I feel more HAPPY right now, at this moment, than I have in a long time. So, what happens now?
I found a quote - a quotable quote - that says "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step" by Lao Tzu. Uh, hello!! Wakey Wakey Camie-poo!!! If that's not my new mantra, I don't know what else possibly COULD be that would be more appropriate for this time, right now. I kept reading on and more of the bad vibes and funky funk starting to fall away. The next few paragraphs talked about taking that first step...it could be forward, sideways, or even backward - whatever direction you went, it was all ok and good because wherever direction your first step went, it offered up a brand new perspective from where you've been. So...I guess my first step was realizing I was definitely in a rut and not happy...second step was getting myself on Amazon.com and ordering a few books on the subjects of Etsy and small business marketing. I am anxiously awaiting their arrival and I will read voraciously.
So, now the question still hangs - "What's next?" Before I can answer this I suppose I need to figure out exactly what it is that I want and then forge the path from there. I believe that the right things happen in their own right times. But, just to share, the thought "Go BIG or go home" keeps bubbling up to the surface of my thought pool...why I don't know. But it just makes me smile and maybe that's what it's there for..to keep me smiling as I go, dreaming my big dream. And 'BIG' is relative to whatever it means to you...it's a start...and a step in the right direction. I'll keep you posted!!
Thanks so much for listening, reading and being there...please share any of your own experiences...I'd love to hear them! We're all walking together so if I can help you, even with a little support...I'm all eyes and ears for you!
Have a great day Everyone!!
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